10. Fighting (read my review here)—Full disclosure: I am not a fighting fa
n. I can't stand UFC and I've never understood the fascination with watching two shirtless, sweaty men beat each other senseless. I'd rather watch a romance (shut up). But if that sounds like a good time to you and you don't care about good acting, a meaningful story, or competent direction, then you might like Fighting, but I found it to be one of the most excruciating experiences I had in a theater this year. The film follows Shawn MacArthur, played by bad actor Channing Tatum, a young man forced to live on the streets and sell fake versions of the new Harry Potter book. One day, a man named Harvey, played horrifically by Terrence Howard, takes notice and enters him into an underground fighting organization where he rises through the ranks and earns money by kicking as much ass as he possibly can. If the banality of the film's simple one word title didn't tip you off, Fighting is about as unimaginative as they come and nothing happens the entire film. In my review, I related this movie to a NASCAR race because much like one of those races, you watch it move for two hours only to realize it's gone nowhere. Perhaps the filmmakers weren't aware that most movies have a little something called story arc. To once again quote my review, "The only fight you'll have in Fighting is the fight to stay awake." That about sums it up.
n. I can't stand UFC and I've never understood the fascination with watching two shirtless, sweaty men beat each other senseless. I'd rather watch a romance (shut up). But if that sounds like a good time to you and you don't care about good acting, a meaningful story, or competent direction, then you might like Fighting, but I found it to be one of the most excruciating experiences I had in a theater this year. The film follows Shawn MacArthur, played by bad actor Channing Tatum, a young man forced to live on the streets and sell fake versions of the new Harry Potter book. One day, a man named Harvey, played horrifically by Terrence Howard, takes notice and enters him into an underground fighting organization where he rises through the ranks and earns money by kicking as much ass as he possibly can. If the banality of the film's simple one word title didn't tip you off, Fighting is about as unimaginative as they come and nothing happens the entire film. In my review, I related this movie to a NASCAR race because much like one of those races, you watch it move for two hours only to realize it's gone nowhere. Perhaps the filmmakers weren't aware that most movies have a little something called story arc. To once again quote my review, "The only fight you'll have in Fighting is the fight to stay awake." That about sums it up.9. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (read my review here)—Ok, I'll be honest with you. S
treet Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li should be much higher on this list, probably at number two ranked only behind the foulest most brain deadening movie to be released this year (more on that later), but you know what? It's absolutely hilarious. Unlike the movies up higher on this list, Street Fighter is so bad, it's actually pretty damn good. I haven't laughed so hard in a theater all year. The Hangover and Bruno have nothing on Street Fighter. You want to laugh? Invite some friends over, pop this bad boy in, have a couple of beers and provide your own commentary, which is precisely what I did once it hit DVD. Though it wasn't quite as funny the second time around due to my knowledge of what was coming next, I'll never forget the stomach cramps I received from my incessant laughter. In theory, it should probably be on my best of the year list, but I refuse to count unintentional hilarity as a positive trait and thus, here it is. Featuring an epically bad performance from Chris Klein, of which will go down in history as one of the worst ever, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is devoid of a single positive trait. I actually wrote this review for my school paper, Broadside, but it was cut for unspecified reasons, though I later found out why. As I discussed the characters and how poorly written they were, I wrote this line which was deemed too offensive: "To call them thin would be an insult to anorexia." I stand by that.
treet Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li should be much higher on this list, probably at number two ranked only behind the foulest most brain deadening movie to be released this year (more on that later), but you know what? It's absolutely hilarious. Unlike the movies up higher on this list, Street Fighter is so bad, it's actually pretty damn good. I haven't laughed so hard in a theater all year. The Hangover and Bruno have nothing on Street Fighter. You want to laugh? Invite some friends over, pop this bad boy in, have a couple of beers and provide your own commentary, which is precisely what I did once it hit DVD. Though it wasn't quite as funny the second time around due to my knowledge of what was coming next, I'll never forget the stomach cramps I received from my incessant laughter. In theory, it should probably be on my best of the year list, but I refuse to count unintentional hilarity as a positive trait and thus, here it is. Featuring an epically bad performance from Chris Klein, of which will go down in history as one of the worst ever, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is devoid of a single positive trait. I actually wrote this review for my school paper, Broadside, but it was cut for unspecified reasons, though I later found out why. As I discussed the characters and how poorly written they were, I wrote this line which was deemed too offensive: "To call them thin would be an insult to anorexia." I stand by that.8. All About Steve (read my review here)—It was a good year for Sandra Bullock. She first starred in
the commercially successful (critically, not so much) The Proposal, which offered a few laughs and decent chemistry between her and her co-star, Ryan Reynolds. She also recently starred in the surprise hit, The Blind Side, which is still playing as of the time of this writing and has banked a running domestic gross of over $130 million on a $29 million budget. It actually dethroned the teenage schlock-fest New Moon in its third week of release and it was even pretty good to boot (read my review of it here). But in between those two lies the release of All About Steve, a vapid alleged "comedy" that I'm positive was summoned from the depths of Hell to torment me. The largest problem with the film is that Mary, played by Bullock, is a psychotic leech who latches herself onto Steve, played by Bradley Cooper coming off of his mega-hit The Hangover. She's a crossword constructor for her local paper and upon meeting Steve, she instantly falls in love and writes her next crossword all about Steve, with each clue pertaining to a different aspect of the man. If that isn't obsessively creepy, I don't know what is. When the central character of your movie is as mentally unstable as Mary, nothing can redeem it. Case in point with All About Steve.
the commercially successful (critically, not so much) The Proposal, which offered a few laughs and decent chemistry between her and her co-star, Ryan Reynolds. She also recently starred in the surprise hit, The Blind Side, which is still playing as of the time of this writing and has banked a running domestic gross of over $130 million on a $29 million budget. It actually dethroned the teenage schlock-fest New Moon in its third week of release and it was even pretty good to boot (read my review of it here). But in between those two lies the release of All About Steve, a vapid alleged "comedy" that I'm positive was summoned from the depths of Hell to torment me. The largest problem with the film is that Mary, played by Bullock, is a psychotic leech who latches herself onto Steve, played by Bradley Cooper coming off of his mega-hit The Hangover. She's a crossword constructor for her local paper and upon meeting Steve, she instantly falls in love and writes her next crossword all about Steve, with each clue pertaining to a different aspect of the man. If that isn't obsessively creepy, I don't know what is. When the central character of your movie is as mentally unstable as Mary, nothing can redeem it. Case in point with All About Steve.7. Next Day Air (read my review here)—As I began to compile this list, I had a good idea of what mo
vies I wanted to include. My top five were already locked and there were a handful of contenders for the bottom half, so as I scoured my archives looking for films that could could potentially fit on the list, I ran across Next Day Air and realized I had completely forgotten about it. I couldn't remember much about the film, but then I saw my title for the post: "Next Day Air - One of the Worst Movies of the Year," so I thought, "Well, I guess I have to include it now." I'm glad I did. As I read over my review and dug deep to recollect my thoughts on it, I realized how putrid it had been. This is a film that makes light of drug smuggling and violence and the story goes absolutely nowhere. The end climax of this disaster is a bloody shootout over a box of cocaine which results in the death of every character except for two, one of whom escapes with the coke and the other whom escapes with the money. One particular grisly death ends with a knife to the throat. Oh and this is a comedy. Sounds funny, huh? No? Well, you're right. It's not. There isn't a laugh to be had in the entire film because drug smuggling and gratuitous violence are not funny. Not to mention the lack of respect for human individuality that was present in the film, which consisted of numerous stereotypes of various ethnicities, including one Latino woman whose dialogue was laden with words like "ese" and "muchacho" in between her English. How fresh. Believe it or not, it's not the worst show of racism to occur in a movie this year, but it's damn close. You can expect to see this one in the $2.99 bargain bin any day now.
vies I wanted to include. My top five were already locked and there were a handful of contenders for the bottom half, so as I scoured my archives looking for films that could could potentially fit on the list, I ran across Next Day Air and realized I had completely forgotten about it. I couldn't remember much about the film, but then I saw my title for the post: "Next Day Air - One of the Worst Movies of the Year," so I thought, "Well, I guess I have to include it now." I'm glad I did. As I read over my review and dug deep to recollect my thoughts on it, I realized how putrid it had been. This is a film that makes light of drug smuggling and violence and the story goes absolutely nowhere. The end climax of this disaster is a bloody shootout over a box of cocaine which results in the death of every character except for two, one of whom escapes with the coke and the other whom escapes with the money. One particular grisly death ends with a knife to the throat. Oh and this is a comedy. Sounds funny, huh? No? Well, you're right. It's not. There isn't a laugh to be had in the entire film because drug smuggling and gratuitous violence are not funny. Not to mention the lack of respect for human individuality that was present in the film, which consisted of numerous stereotypes of various ethnicities, including one Latino woman whose dialogue was laden with words like "ese" and "muchacho" in between her English. How fresh. Believe it or not, it's not the worst show of racism to occur in a movie this year, but it's damn close. You can expect to see this one in the $2.99 bargain bin any day now.6. The Collector (read my review here)—The Collector is another movie, much like Street Fighter: T
he Legend of Chun-Li that is so bad, it's actually kind of entertaining. I saw this in a similar situation as Street Fighter, with a couple of buddies, and when the movie was over we ripped it a new one, making a list of flaws and inconsistencies that would be pages long had we taken the time to write them all down. The Collector was written by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, the writers behind Saw IV, V, VI and the upcoming Saw VII 3D (no joke) and was meant to be a prequel to that successful franchise, but the movie studio didn't want a prequel and instead the film was greenlit as its own beast, and what a beast it is. The Collector is a violent, mean spirited train wreck of a film with zero logic and a "mystery" killer that's as obvious as any whodunit I've ever seen. Within the first five minutes, I could have told everybody in the theater who the killer was because it's telegraphed with such clarity that not a doubt was left in my mind. To describe the many plot holes in the film would require detailing the entire plot, which is not prudent for this small space. All you need to know is that the film takes place all in one day and the killer sets up dozens of elaborate traps all throughout an empty house by nightfall, including a staircase to nowhere with nails literally embedded in it; not just placed there, but built into the wood. He does all of this in a matter of hours. What a stupid movie.
he Legend of Chun-Li that is so bad, it's actually kind of entertaining. I saw this in a similar situation as Street Fighter, with a couple of buddies, and when the movie was over we ripped it a new one, making a list of flaws and inconsistencies that would be pages long had we taken the time to write them all down. The Collector was written by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, the writers behind Saw IV, V, VI and the upcoming Saw VII 3D (no joke) and was meant to be a prequel to that successful franchise, but the movie studio didn't want a prequel and instead the film was greenlit as its own beast, and what a beast it is. The Collector is a violent, mean spirited train wreck of a film with zero logic and a "mystery" killer that's as obvious as any whodunit I've ever seen. Within the first five minutes, I could have told everybody in the theater who the killer was because it's telegraphed with such clarity that not a doubt was left in my mind. To describe the many plot holes in the film would require detailing the entire plot, which is not prudent for this small space. All you need to know is that the film takes place all in one day and the killer sets up dozens of elaborate traps all throughout an empty house by nightfall, including a staircase to nowhere with nails literally embedded in it; not just placed there, but built into the wood. He does all of this in a matter of hours. What a stupid movie.Dear Mr. Ferrell,
My name is Joshua Hylton and I used to be a big fan of yours. You wer
e hilarious on "Saturday Night Live" and your first major big screen endeavors were enjoyable enough to sit through. However, it has become abundantly clear in the last few years that you work better as a side character than the star. Look at some of the best movies you've been in—Old School, the first two Austin Powers movies, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Wedding Crashers—you were great in those and you promised great things to come, but then you did Elf...and Blades of Glory...and Bewitched...and Semi-Pro...and Step Brothers, all of which were dreadful. However, your most egregious offense has come with this year's truly atrocious Land of the Lost, a vacuous movie succubus that took a good three years worth of my school education and flushed it down the toilet due to its mind numbing idiocy. At this point, your career has become nothing more than a joke, a stain on the soiled underwear of Hollywood, and we have all grown tired of your never changing shtick. Your humor is juvenile and your over the top antics have made us all weary. You're not interesting, you're not that good of an actor, and God knows you sure aren't funny. Please, for the love of all things holy, move on with your life and stop flooding our screens with your annoying puerile babble bullcrap.
e hilarious on "Saturday Night Live" and your first major big screen endeavors were enjoyable enough to sit through. However, it has become abundantly clear in the last few years that you work better as a side character than the star. Look at some of the best movies you've been in—Old School, the first two Austin Powers movies, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Wedding Crashers—you were great in those and you promised great things to come, but then you did Elf...and Blades of Glory...and Bewitched...and Semi-Pro...and Step Brothers, all of which were dreadful. However, your most egregious offense has come with this year's truly atrocious Land of the Lost, a vacuous movie succubus that took a good three years worth of my school education and flushed it down the toilet due to its mind numbing idiocy. At this point, your career has become nothing more than a joke, a stain on the soiled underwear of Hollywood, and we have all grown tired of your never changing shtick. Your humor is juvenile and your over the top antics have made us all weary. You're not interesting, you're not that good of an actor, and God knows you sure aren't funny. Please, for the love of all things holy, move on with your life and stop flooding our screens with your annoying puerile babble bullcrap.Sincerely,
Joshua Hylton
4. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (read my review here)—I'm a guy 
and just like any other testosterone fueled male, I love action movies. I love to see people get shot and stuff get blown up real good. It's practically my existence. Give me an awesome scene that ends with dozens of bodies lying in their own pool of blood and feces and you're on your way to winning me over, but no matter how much action you cram in your movie, you still need a well written script, a coherent story, good acting and a tone that doesn't come off as obnoxious. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has none of those things and is one of the most harebrained movies to come out this year. Like the original, it had a giant budget that could have been used intelligently to make a movie that could be described as something other than loud, but it didn't. Now, the first film wasn't terrible. It was bad and didn't deserve nearly as much credit as its rabid fanbase gave it, but it wasn't a disaster. Its sequel is, however. Its story is incoherent, the acting is just awful (if you think Megan Fox can't act with other people, wait until you see her try to act with something that isn't actually there), the action is insufferably noisy, and it boasts the most racist and offensive stereotyped characters to be placed in a movie this year in the form of Skids and Mudflap, two robots who embody the "black" role, complete with jive talking, gold teeth and large, protruding ears. If you still aren't convinced that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a terrible waste of your time, wait until you see Sam, played by Shia LaBeouf, reach what can only be described as robot heaven. Then come try to argue with me. Spoiler warning! You will lose.
and just like any other testosterone fueled male, I love action movies. I love to see people get shot and stuff get blown up real good. It's practically my existence. Give me an awesome scene that ends with dozens of bodies lying in their own pool of blood and feces and you're on your way to winning me over, but no matter how much action you cram in your movie, you still need a well written script, a coherent story, good acting and a tone that doesn't come off as obnoxious. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has none of those things and is one of the most harebrained movies to come out this year. Like the original, it had a giant budget that could have been used intelligently to make a movie that could be described as something other than loud, but it didn't. Now, the first film wasn't terrible. It was bad and didn't deserve nearly as much credit as its rabid fanbase gave it, but it wasn't a disaster. Its sequel is, however. Its story is incoherent, the acting is just awful (if you think Megan Fox can't act with other people, wait until you see her try to act with something that isn't actually there), the action is insufferably noisy, and it boasts the most racist and offensive stereotyped characters to be placed in a movie this year in the form of Skids and Mudflap, two robots who embody the "black" role, complete with jive talking, gold teeth and large, protruding ears. If you still aren't convinced that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a terrible waste of your time, wait until you see Sam, played by Shia LaBeouf, reach what can only be described as robot heaven. Then come try to argue with me. Spoiler warning! You will lose.3. Halloween II (read my review here)—The original 1978 John Carpenter classic, Halloween, is wide
ly considered to be one of the scariest movies of all time and rightfully so. I've seen tons of so called "scary movies," but none have affected me the way that film did because the events depicted in it could indeed happen. There's nothing scarier than the thought of a psycho busting through your door to mercilessly murder you with no guilt, rhyme or reason. Not to be confused with the 1981 follow-up, Halloween II, this 2009 sequel to Rob Zombie's appalling Halloween remake sunk as low as it could possibly go. After that cinematic abortion, you'd think there'd be nowhere to go but up, but you'd be wrong. The largest problem with this wretched film is that Zombie doesn't seem to understand what made Michael Myers so scary in the first place. Michael was scary because he tapped into that childhood fear of the boogeyman. He was an enigma, someone who stalked the night looking for flesh to cut into. In this movie, Zombie humanizes him, thus lessening the fear. You see him with his mask off, you see him eat and you hear him grunt and scream. Throw in the laughable notion that Michael's psychosis is related to apparitions of his dead mother next to a white horse and you have one of the worst horror movies of the decade. Considering how low horror movie standards are, that's really saying something.
ly considered to be one of the scariest movies of all time and rightfully so. I've seen tons of so called "scary movies," but none have affected me the way that film did because the events depicted in it could indeed happen. There's nothing scarier than the thought of a psycho busting through your door to mercilessly murder you with no guilt, rhyme or reason. Not to be confused with the 1981 follow-up, Halloween II, this 2009 sequel to Rob Zombie's appalling Halloween remake sunk as low as it could possibly go. After that cinematic abortion, you'd think there'd be nowhere to go but up, but you'd be wrong. The largest problem with this wretched film is that Zombie doesn't seem to understand what made Michael Myers so scary in the first place. Michael was scary because he tapped into that childhood fear of the boogeyman. He was an enigma, someone who stalked the night looking for flesh to cut into. In this movie, Zombie humanizes him, thus lessening the fear. You see him with his mask off, you see him eat and you hear him grunt and scream. Throw in the laughable notion that Michael's psychosis is related to apparitions of his dead mother next to a white horse and you have one of the worst horror movies of the decade. Considering how low horror movie standards are, that's really saying something.2. Imagine That (read my review here)—Eddie Murphy used to be someone I looked to for laug
hs. I loved his Beverly Hills Cop movies, I thought he was brilliant in the first Nutty Professor, and then of course there are the classics Coming to America and Trading Places, both of which were very funny. But then he started making stuff like Daddy Day Care, The Haunted Mansion, Meet Dave and The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which is one of the biggest flops in cinematic history, making just over $4 million on a $100 million budget. When did he decide to start making family friendly movies? He's at his best when he's spouting curse words and reveling in the general vulgarity of his material, so his transition came as a big surprise. Then this year he released Imagine That, a Nickelodeon movie that was about as unbearable an experience as that time I sat through a whole day of elementary school with a steaming loafer in my underwear because I was too embarrassed to ask the teacher if I could go call my mother. It may have even been a tad worse. At least I wasn't bored trying to avoid any possible human interaction and find well ventilated areas to hide the stench. I know it's easy to spew hatred at a supposed kids movie like Imagine That, but it's too idiotic for adults and too boring for kids because I'm pretty sure most young children aren't interested in watching a financial executive participate in business meetings. For that matter, neither am I.
hs. I loved his Beverly Hills Cop movies, I thought he was brilliant in the first Nutty Professor, and then of course there are the classics Coming to America and Trading Places, both of which were very funny. But then he started making stuff like Daddy Day Care, The Haunted Mansion, Meet Dave and The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which is one of the biggest flops in cinematic history, making just over $4 million on a $100 million budget. When did he decide to start making family friendly movies? He's at his best when he's spouting curse words and reveling in the general vulgarity of his material, so his transition came as a big surprise. Then this year he released Imagine That, a Nickelodeon movie that was about as unbearable an experience as that time I sat through a whole day of elementary school with a steaming loafer in my underwear because I was too embarrassed to ask the teacher if I could go call my mother. It may have even been a tad worse. At least I wasn't bored trying to avoid any possible human interaction and find well ventilated areas to hide the stench. I know it's easy to spew hatred at a supposed kids movie like Imagine That, but it's too idiotic for adults and too boring for kids because I'm pretty sure most young children aren't interested in watching a financial executive participate in business meetings. For that matter, neither am I.1. Transylmania (read my review here)—Funny story. Last week, I began to put my lists together. I f
igured it was so late in the game, that the chances of a December film cracking my top ten was slim to none. Besides, one would have to be truly absymal to even be considered in the running along with the rest of these films. Well, consideration not needed with Transylmania. As soon as the closing credits (who am I kidding, the opening scene) began to roll, I knew right away it would be at the top of this list. I actually had to bump New Moon off from the number 10 spot so I could move each film down a notch, which saddens me because now I can't continue my onslaught of how stupid the notion of sparkly vampires are, but it had to be done. The many problems in Transylmania are almost incomprehensible. I'm not even positive I could count that high. This is a film that somehow, for reasons unknown to me, made it into theaters instead of heading straight to DVD. Its filmmakers tout it as a humorous spoof on the country's recent obsession with vampires, but the fact that I had to bump off the already insipid New Moon to make room for this even more insipid "spoof" of that film is telling enough. Words cannot describe my hatred for Transylmania. I would watch the other nine movies on this list dozens of times over if it meant I never had to be subjected to this again because it is hands down the worst film of 2009.
igured it was so late in the game, that the chances of a December film cracking my top ten was slim to none. Besides, one would have to be truly absymal to even be considered in the running along with the rest of these films. Well, consideration not needed with Transylmania. As soon as the closing credits (who am I kidding, the opening scene) began to roll, I knew right away it would be at the top of this list. I actually had to bump New Moon off from the number 10 spot so I could move each film down a notch, which saddens me because now I can't continue my onslaught of how stupid the notion of sparkly vampires are, but it had to be done. The many problems in Transylmania are almost incomprehensible. I'm not even positive I could count that high. This is a film that somehow, for reasons unknown to me, made it into theaters instead of heading straight to DVD. Its filmmakers tout it as a humorous spoof on the country's recent obsession with vampires, but the fact that I had to bump off the already insipid New Moon to make room for this even more insipid "spoof" of that film is telling enough. Words cannot describe my hatred for Transylmania. I would watch the other nine movies on this list dozens of times over if it meant I never had to be subjected to this again because it is hands down the worst film of 2009.
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