High School Musical 3 is Only for the Kids

Disney is synonymous for coming up with stupid fads starring poor actors and actresses and somehow marketing it to the teen and college sorority crowd. Being a college student myself, I was shocked to see that so many of my fellow students were practically obsessed with Hannah Montana and High School Musical. I've witnessed a small portion of the train wreck that is Miley Cyrus playing the titular character, but I've never seen the High School Musical films. I decided that I wanted to see what all the fuss was about so I ventured out to the theater to see this. With that said, I know I am not the demographic for this film and having not seen the original two, my opinion might not mean much, but here it is. High School Musical 3: Senior Year is largely unwatchable, intensely ridiculous, and stupefyingly dumb.

I hate movies set in high school. Most of them are absolutely nothing like what an actual high school is like. Just as I got a glamorized vision of what college would be like through films like Van Wilder, younger audiences are getting a false representation of the experiences they will get in high school. I don't know about you, but my high school was smelly, isolated, and overcrowded to the point where you couldn't even navigate your way through the hallways. The school in High School Musical 3 has more students attending sporting events than actual classes and they have what is essentially a greenhouse on the roof. Seriously. What kind of school has plants on their roof? Furthermore, what kind of school makes the rooftop accessible to students?

But that's only a minor quibble in the big scheme of things. The film has two big problems: it tries way too hard to be cool and the musical numbers were awkward. The story is a typical high school story about love and moving on to college while trying to stay close to your friends, but there's a catch. The guys in this movie play basketball. Rad dude! Just like a complete dork I knew in high school, they always carry that ball around as if it's attached to them because everybody knows that to be cool, you must be a jock.

Troy, played by Zac Efron, is the leader of the group and one of the popular kids in school. It's easy to tell because he wears a bandana around his head. What a bad ass! God knows I wouldn't want to mess with a kid who feigns strength and carries a hipster attitude by wearing a bandana. That's just too much for my timid, un-cool, dork-like persona. Have mercy on me Zac Efron, you dreamy piece of teenage girl fantasy meat! Honestly, I'm surprised they didn't start chugging Mountain Dew, snowboarding, or doing anything else that showed them as x-treme 2 the max.

In relation, the basketball team is largely unconvincing (especially when they broke out in song in the middle of the game), which is a major dilemma because this high school (imaginatively named East High) is supposed to be back to back state champions. If that basketball team is back to back champions, then I'm Rambo. Wouldn't that be awesome? Rambo's a legend. Remember that time he shot that dude? That was sweet! Speaking of shots, I wonder if I'm up to date with my health. I've been feeling kind of weak lately and I'm afraid I'm coming down with a virus, like my friend's computer. Seriously, my buddy was looking at risqué photos online and downloaded a virus. What a loser.

That little tangent was pretty much what my thoughts were like during this whole movie. I just stopped paying attention and began daydreaming or talking to myself in my head. Sure, that's kind of mental, but I'd rather listen to myself than listen to the bozos on screen. I perked up when a musical number came around, but even then it was only to see to what extent the actors and actresses were willing to embarrass themselves. Although I do admit that a song or two was quite catchy, I felt uneasy more often than not. There is a song featuring Ashley Tisdale where she is singing about how she wants everything in life. The tune featured heavy breathing along with the lyrics "I want it" while she provocatively thrusted her hips while wearing skimpy clothing. In actuality, she is 23 years old, but I couldn't help but sense a weird pedophilia vibe coming through. Am I supposed to enjoy what is supposed to be underage girls trying to act sexy? It was a bit much.

Still, the movie is relatively harmless and I suppose kids will enjoy it, but boy was this a tedious film to sit through as an adult. The fact that this franchise has actually become a cultural phenomenon (among older folks as well) says a lot about how low our standards have become. The film sports poor performances, ridiculous scenarios, and cringe inducing high school drama BS that we've seen in countless other films. Don't get me wrong. I like musicals, but only when they are done right. Unfortunately, High School Musical 3: Senior Year fails. If there is any justice in the world, this will be the last entry in this fledgling franchise and our children can enjoy something a little less idiotic.

High School Musical 3: Senior Year receives 1.5/5

Take Your Hate Elsewhere--Indiana Jones Still Rules

Ever since Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out, all I've heard from fans of the franchise is how disappointed they were and how it didn't feel like an Indiana Jones movie. South Park even had a recent episode where they created a metaphor implying that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg "raped" Indiana Jones (called The China Problem, which you can watch right here). Well, I have something to say to all of you: you are wrong.

Here me out before you condemn me for my arrogance. I'm well aware that an opinion is just that and has no true answer. There are no factual statements to back up what I'm going to say, but your arguments are flawed and I'm going to tell you why.

Here's the main thing I've heard from most people. (Spoiler alert!) It's usually something along the lines of, "Aliens? That's so silly. Aliens don't belong in an Indiana Jones movie! How dare they tarnish this series with such a preposterous story!" Please. Even my brother-in-law (love you man!) said that aliens just don't fit side by side with what happened in the other films because they had more of a grounding in reality. Let's go over this "reality" film by film.

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (or just Raiders of the Lost Ark depending on how old school you are) followed Indy as he sought after the Ark of the Covenant. The climax had spirits flying around, which killed everybody and melted their faces off.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom had our hero infiltrating the lair of a religious cult that performed human sacrifices by digging into their victim's chest, pulling out their heart, and then descending them into a pit of Hell.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade had Indy chasing after the Holy Grail, only to find it had been guarded by a knight who had stayed alive well past a normal life expectancy due to the power of it, but when you drink out of a false Holy Grail, you age rapidly and die. Indy then uses the real Holy Grail to heal his wounded father.

So you're telling me that those are grounded in reality? You're telling me that aliens are too "out there" for an Indiana Jones film? Really? What makes the inclusion of aliens any more wacky than spirits that melt faces, a cult who rips hearts out of chests, and cups that either kill you or grant you life? If anything, aliens are a more realistic representation of what an explorer of Indy's caliber could discover.

Don't get me wrong. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is not up to par with the original trilogy. Those films are all terrific and can stand side by side as equals. Crystal Skull is a distant fourth. It doesn't even come close to capturing the magic of the first three, but that doesn't mean it's not a fun movie. I loved seeing good ol' Dr. Jones put his trademark fedora and whip to use again.

Look, sometimes the story went awry and yes, some of the action scenes were a bit much (particularly the three consecutive waterfall drops and the vine swinging with monkeys). Still, aliens fit right into the mythology of this character and his adventures just as much as the other three. There is nothing about aliens that is more outlandish than anything presented in the original trilogy.

Granted, the quality isn't the same, but it seems people don't really know why. We all had high expectations going into it and it sucks that they weren't met, but what were you really expecting? It had been nearly 20 years since the last Indy film. There was no way they could recreate the excitement we felt when watching the other three movies for the first time.

Do me a favor. Watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull again. Throw away your preconceived notions, empty your brain of your original opinion and just watch it for what it is. It isn't great by any means, but it's a fun film that just wants to give you enough over the top action and thrills to keep you firmly planted in your seat for two hours. How could you argue that it does anything but that?

Changes are Lacking in the Changeling

Clint Eastwood is a living legend. He's a terrific actor who has given us one of the most iconic characters in film history with Dirty Harry, he's a marvelous director, and on top of that, he even composes the music to some of his films. If there is one person in Hollywood who deserves recognition, it's Clint Eastwood. Unfortunately, his latest film, Changeling, (not to be confused with the 1980 haunted house film) fails to reach the standard he set for himself. After Letters from Iwo Jima, Flags of Our Fathers, and Million Dollar Baby, all masterpieces in their own right, the bar was set high, but numerous missteps prevent Changeling from surpassing mediocrity.

The film is based on a true story set in the late 1920's and Angelina Jolie stars as Christine Collins. After returning home from work one night, she finds her son is missing. After a search, the police claim to have found him. The problem is that little boy isn't her son. She will do anything to get him back, even if nobody else believes her.

Here's the main problem with the film. It's way too melodramatic. I understand the heaviness of the situation, but a lot of the drama should have been downplayed. It got a bit excessive, even to the point where it was almost a self parody. Look at Angelina Jolie for instance. Although she is a terrific actress in her own right, she felt off here. The film is about two hours and 20 minutes and I would estimate that she cries for about two hours of it. It seemed like every other scene she was breaking down in tears for one reason or another and I began to get annoyed. If the minds behind spoof films like Disaster Movie and Date Movie ever make a Dramatic Movie, I could easily see them making fun of the excessive crying in Changeling.

Much like the rest of the film, the acting is uneven. The quality of the performances seemed to change from scene to scene. Sometimes they were good, sometimes they were bad, and sometimes they were over the top. I could never fully immerse myself in the undeniably emotional story because the actors never pulled me in like they should have.

One thing I rarely notice when I'm watching a movie is the musical score. The purpose of a score is to heighten the experience and make the emotions present in a particular scene even more effective. Well, this musical score doesn't do that. In fact, it detracts from the experience. There is one song in particular that is played over and over and over again. From the beginning of the picture to the end, a slow melodic piano tune played at various parts in the story and it drove me crazy. If you begin to notice the musical score to a greater extent than usual, then it has failed. That was the case here.

I was split on this movie for the most part. At times, I was completely captivated at what I was seeing, but other times I was bored out of my mind and unconvinced of the film's authenticity. It just lacked that special something that other great dramas have. Still, it succeeds because, as uneven as it is, Clint Eastwood brings his usual stylish direction and the story will have some kind of emotional impact on you. It's no game changer, but Changeling has just enough to recommend despite some major blunders along the way.

Changeling receives 2.5/5

Role Models Well Worth Seeing

Comedies are difficult to make. Every year, dozens and dozens of comedies are released and only a select few manage to be a decent watch. Most are usually unfunny exercises in idiocy. Over the last couple of weeks we've had two comedies that are worth watching. First we had the good, but nothing special Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Now we have the slightly better, but still nothing special Role Models. We're on a roll.

The film follows Wheeler (Seann William Scott) and Danny (Paul Rudd) who, after being arrested, are assigned to the Sturdy Wings program as big brothers to two under privileged boys. Wheeler is assigned to a foul mouthed kid who has never had a big brother last more than a day and Danny is assigned to a nerd who is obsessed with live action role playing (i.e. hitting people with Styrofoam swords). They are hardened guys who just want to fulfill their requirement and get on with their lives, but will learn important lessons along the way.

Basically, we've seen this movie before. I know it's a comedy, but is it really too much to ask for a plot that I haven't seen countless times in other films? Hmm, I wonder if Wheeler and Danny will grow to love the two boys and learn to put their selfish ways aside in the hopes of finding some kind of self enlightenment? I'm tired of seeing this kind of story arc. It's old and overused.

However, a comedy has its humor to fall back on. If this were a drama, I would instantly ostracize it for its lack of originality. But regardless of how mundane a comedy's story is, what it really boils down to is whether or not it is funny. Luckily for Role Models, it is. While it isn't my favorite comedy I've seen this year, there are at least three or four big laughs and many more chuckles and grins to accompany them.

Still, it does get stale as the movie goes on. You know how some movies are said be "one note joke" films? Well, this is slightly better. It's a two note joke film. The majority of the gags come from the interactions between Wheeler, Danny, and the kids. Like I said, one kid is foul mouthed and one kid is a nerd. They milk these characters for everything they can and it gets old fast. There are only so many role playing nerd jokes I can take. I mean, I get it. He's a dork. Move on. But it never did. It stayed this way up until the very last scene.

The foul mouthed child is no different. There isn't anything inherently humorous in a child cussing. There has to be something funny to say or it has to be said in a context that fits the rest of the scene. Instead, the child randomly blurted out vulgarity even in scenes where it just wasn't necessary. The jokes simply didn't have enough variety.

Despite all of my complaining, I enjoyed the film. I do have some reservations with the structure of it and the "been there done that" story, but the simple fact is that I laughed a lot, enough to recommend the film. Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott are terrific as always and watching them play off of each other was a blast. Their talent is enough to save this movie even with its drawbacks. Zack and Miri Make a Porno will probably get more accolades because of its shock value, but for my money Role Models is the better of the two and the comedy to see.

Role Models receives 3.5/5

Christianity and Satanism are Blurred in House

The other day, I was contemplating what movies I should go see so I could write about them on this here blog. There were some great ones to be sure, but the listings had a movie called House on it. I had never heard of it, so I did some digging and read what it was all about. The film is adapted from a book by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker, who are Christian authors and write darkly themed novels around the Christian faith. The story follows two couples who end up in a house in the woods and end up playing a game with a killer called the Tin Man. His rules are this:

1) God came into my house and I killed him.
2) I will kill anyone who comes to my house like I killed God.
3) Bring me one dead body and I'll let rule #2 slide.

An R-rated Christian horror movie about a satanic killer who claims to have murdered God? I was intrigued and as I sat there, I realized I had to see this movie, if nothing else than to see how they wrapped a Christian message into the bloodletting. However, the message was weak, if not nonexistent. If anything, the Christian message is overshadowed by the satanic imagery. There are tons of references to Satanism, but little to no mention of Christianity. The films says that "light destroys darkness" and that's about as far as it delves into a blatant promotion of Christianity. I have a sneaking suspicion that the film wanted to make the Christian message as subtle as possible so they could appeal to a wider audience. If you look hard enough, you'll see that the characters are being tempted throughout the whole movie and, despite the rules saying that if they kill somebody they'll live, it's the opposite. The point of the film is to put temptation in their faces and see if they give in. If they don't, they'll be saved. Still, you have to dig pretty deep to find this hidden message.

Basically, Christians are going to walk out of this wondering why it was considered a Christian themed movie and non-Christians certainly aren't going to be converted. That's a big problem considering what it was trying to accomplish. However, this whole crisis could have been averted if it were actually a good movie. Well, it's not. Surprise!

There are a few things I'm sick of when it comes to the construction of a horror movie. First, I'm tired of seeing a twist ending. Although some work, most do not and ruin anything the film had going for it. Second, I hate characters that are so stupid they can't see the evil right in front of them. And lastly, I hate when a horror movie relies on cheap jump mechanics to scare the audience. God forbid a film actually has to try to create suspense through the use of an effective ambiance. Unsurprisingly, House falls into all of those traps.

The movie isn't scary in the slightest and the twist is absolutely ridiculous and doesn't seem to make much sense. It was like the writers of the story came up with the twist first and tried to work the story around it. It didn't work. And where do I begin with these characters? Usually, old house in the woods+people acting psycho=get the hell out of there, but not for these numbskulls. House felt like it had read the book on horror film clichés and used every single tactic.

As to be expected, the dialogue was laughable and the acting was uniformly bad, excluding Bill Moseley who is the man in everything he does, although he's severely underused here. I mean, what was this movie trying to do? It's not interesting, scary, or smart. It doesn't bring forth a Christian message from its supposed Christian source and actually seems to play up more aspects of Satanism. House is in limited release right now, but let's hope it quickly reaches DVD and rots away into oblivion.

House receives 1/5

Theological Nonsense Invades the Screen with The Haunting of Molly Hartley

Warning: Spoilers follow

The Haunting of Molly Hartley is one of the most inept and idiotic scary movies I've seen since An American Haunting. Calling this film a horror movie is like calling Schindler's List a comedy. The only thing to be frightened about is the thought of actually having to sit through this train wreck. This is undoubtedly one of the worst films of the year.

Here's the main problem with this movie. It feels like it should be playing on the CW at the teenybopper time slot between moronic shows like Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill. It has all the ridiculous drama you would expect from those programs including an "Oh no she didn't" catfight.

Slapping this should-have-been-direct-to-DVD film on that channel would actually be quite fitting since it shamelessly rips off the premise of the CW's Reaper. That show is about a dude whose soul is the devil's on his 21st birthday. This film is about a chick whose soul is the devil's on her 18th birthday. Totally different.

By telling you about her connection with the devil, I've pretty much ruined the movie for you since that's supposed to be a big reveal late in the story, but if you have any sense, you'll figure it out yourself very quickly. It's so plainly evident that I figured it out not even 15 minutes into the film.

So the whole time, I sat there and waited for the climax hoping that something would happen along the way. Unfortunately, the film has one of the most unsatisfying climaxes I've ever seen in any horror movie. The movie builds (read: does nothing) for an hour and 20 minutes and it doesn't even give us the satisfaction of a final showdown. Molly ends up in a room on the eve of her 18th birthday, the clock hits midnight, people talk, movie over. There's some inane twist shortly after, but it does nothing to make a remarkably bad movie any better.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley was a chore to watch. It's only about an hour and 26 minutes, but it feels at least double that. Anybody over the age of 14 that can sit through this garbage deserves some kind of medal. Unless you want to see one giant long cliché scare tactic (a flock of birds loudly flying by, a hand coming out of nowhere, a dead person coming alive for one final shock, etc.), I'd skip this one. The performances were actually pretty decent, but when the rest of the package is so dismal, what's it matter? I thought I had safely secured my top three worst films of the year; that is until I saw this nonsense. The Haunting of Molly Hartley is a complete disaster from start to finish.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley receives 0.5/5

Smith Tackles Taboo Subject with Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is like watching an actual porno. You thoroughly enjoy it while it is playing, but you feel slightly dirty afterwards. Kevin Smith’s newest sex romp may very well be the raunchiest, most uncomfortable movie I’ve ever sat through and yes, I’m recommending it.

The film follows Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) who have been best friends their whole lives. They live together in an apartment, but can’t pay the bills. After the heat, water, and power get shut off, they decide to make a porno to make some extra money. Although their relationship is purely platonic, they realize during the shoot that they may have deeper feelings for each other than they previously thought.

Kevin Smith is the Quentin Tarantino of comedy. Just like Tarantino, Smith has been lauded for his clever writing and interesting dialogue between characters. Ranging from Clerks to Dogma to the more recent Clerks II, Smith has made seriously funny movies that hide a layer of sweetness under all of the smut. Still, Zack and Miri Make a Porno doesn’t quite feel like a Kevin Smith movie. In a way, it feels more like a Judd Apatow movie. Instead of creating humor off of the interactions between the characters like Smith usually does, the jokes work more as throwaway one-liners, much like Apatow films.

While Smith does his best to provide his trademark style of film, Seth Rogen is more akin to Apatow movies and since those are usually flat out hilarious, you would think there wouldn’t be a downside, but there is. The problem is that the two styles don’t seem to mix very well. It was a mish-mash combination where Smith’s trademark dialogue was overshadowed by Rogen’s one-liners.

Still, there are some good laughs to be had. I had a good hearty chuckle on more than a few occasions, but not enough to make the film more than a good waste of time. The issue here is that only one or two jokes will stay with you. You’ll think back on the film and remember how you laughed, but forget why you were laughing. The jokes were instantly forgettable and as such, the film fails to reach greatness.

I also found the relationship between Zack and Miri to be too inconsistent and unbelievable to strike any kind of emotional chord in me. As with any movie of this type, the two protagonists somehow find out they have deep feelings for each other. In this film, those feelings are found through making a porno. A porno? Really? I couldn’t shake the idea that most women who give up their values to star in a low budget porn movie would probably end up emotionally scarred, not falling in love with their co-star.

Don’t get me wrong. This is still a decent time at the movies and I suspect many people will come out of it shocked at what they have just seen. This is one filthy film. It is without a doubt, one of the most vulgar movies I’ve ever seen. In this regard, many people will love it and herald it as a comedy masterpiece, but those people will probably be about thirteen. Zack and Miri Make a Porno is worth a look, but like an actual porno, it’s pretty worthless after you’re done with it.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno receives 3/5